Sending STRONG messages

Fri, Apr 1 2016 09:46am EDT 1
Jo_Reed
Jo_Reed
437 Posts
Mornin', loves. I won't make this TOO long but I want to speak this morning to something we are often guilty of as women, mostly because I encountered a situation with a friend seeking advice this morning that brought this topic to mind.
Now, my buddy is single. And she has a guy she's interested in. But she doesn't want to act TOO interested, right? Because we're all told (rightfully) that it's a man's job to pursue and impress US, not the other way around. So she tells him, "I am busy this week. If you want to spend time with me, I'll be at this location at this time, and you can stop in and say hey." NOTHING wrong with that. It's not game-playing. She was letting him know right up front that she wasn't going to drop everything to make him happy and that he'd have to put the work in. Great approach. She also tells him later in their conversation, "You'll also need to understand that I'm not in any rush to get 'physical'." He, being a gentleman, assures her that they can move at HER pace. OK. So far, we're doing great. Until...it all falls apart on her a little bit. Because last night, she ended up making an excuse to go see HIM. Alone. And while nothing TOO "naughty" happened, there was a little bit of messing around that left her, in the end, feeling confused. And sent him a VERY different message than the one she'd initially put out there. Now? She's feeling like the ball's in HIS court as to where things go from here, and she's frustrated with herself because that's not the image she wanted to project or the result she desired.
She wasn't doing anything "wrong", right? I mean, hello. It's 2016! She's single. He's single. They're both grown folks, perfectly capable of making their own decisions. But she's NOT in a position of power right now. She's left, even if he wasn't put off by it, in a spot where she TOLD him one thing but then DID another, so she's lost a little CREDIBILITY when it comes to future times where she tells him, "I really mean this" because now there's going to be that little voice in the back of HIS head that tells him, "But wait...does she really?!?"

We've all been there, haven't we? Those times we TALK a really great game to the world about how strong we are and how much respect we deserve, only to back down and broadcast a complete mixed message with our ACTIONS. When the two don't match? That gives the impression to others that we don't REALLY mean what we say and can therefore potenitally be disregarded, manipulated, ignored...you get the idea. It SETS THE PRECEDENT for our POWER to be taken away from us. SO. What do we do with this knowledge?

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
So often, in this life, I encounter ladies who (while caught up in emotion) say things like, "I told him if he does THIS anymore, I'm going to do THIS." or "I told him he can't treat me like this/speak to me this way"...but then they follow it up with a "threat" they have NO intention of really carrying out. "If he doesn't start writing me more often, I'm going to leave him." or "If he yells at me one more time, I'm not going to visit him or answer the phone or put money on his books anymore."
Are you? Really? Maybe so. And if that's where you are? That's totally OK. Nobody SHOULD ever put up with bad behavior, regardless of what's going on. But if NOT - if the only thing you're doing is TRYING to scare the other person into behaving or get some attention from them and you BOTH know you're not really going to back up your talk? - the only thing you're teaching your partner when you throw out ultimatums you're NOT going to stick to is that THEY DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY BECAUSE YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN IT.

Do not send MIXED messages, ladies. Be firm, be fair and be CONSISTENT. If you say you're going to do something? Do it. And KEEP doing it until whomever you're dealing with gets the REAL message. That you ARE a strong woman who knows her own mind, isn't afraid to demand respect and won't hesitate to walk away from anyone who doesn't give it to you, because you KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH. Anything else is just not good enough.

Much love,
Jo
Thu, Apr 14 2016 05:45am EDT 2
Duckies
Duckies
36 Posts
Jo very good message. I am actually struggling with this when it comes to my kids. I will be like if you don't stop that right now I am going to take away your tablet. Sometimes I stick with what I say and sometimes I don't. Not consist and the kids now that so they will push my buttons and I eventually give in. I know I keep making up excusing. I am working and taking care of everything else to keep our family a running ....I don't have the energy to deal with the kiddos little fits at times. Mi know in the long run it isn't good for that kids or myself. My husband is trying to be very supportive of me and give me some tools he has learned in some parenting classes he has taken, but at the end of e day I am the one that has to stick to my punishments I have made for the kiddos.

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