Jealousy: Don't try to stop it; take control of it. Here's how.

Published by: Ro ❤ CoFounder/President on 11th Jan 2016 | View all blogs by Ro ❤ CoFounder/President
What is jealousy? 

According to a simple Google search, Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss or status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.
 
Since we all recently learned that "words have meaning" and about "reframing" those words, I try to look at things in different words. Lets go back to the words in that definition: 
 
Insecurity.
Fear. 
Concern.
And anxiety over an anticipated loss or status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.
 
Chew on that thought for a minute, swish it around in your mouth so you can really taste it -- by feeding into jealousy, you're focusing on LOSS. You're living in FEAR. Negative, negative, negative. And not a "feel good" place to live.
 
Here's an excerpt from a BRILLIANT article on Jealousy posted on Psychology Today:
 
"Jealousy isn't something we have much control over. In truth, it is a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts.
 
Think about the thoughts we have when we feel jealous. Lurking behind the paranoia toward our partners, or the criticisms toward a perceived third-party threat, are often critical thoughts toward ourselves. Thoughts like, "What does he see in her?" can quickly turn into "She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me!"
 
Okay, can we all agree that we don't have much control over those pit of our stomachs pangs of jealousy? Yes? Yes! Good. So, the resolution isn't to try to control those jealous moments; its in controlling how you respond to them. Its in how you perceive that information and how you move forward once you feel that familiar pang in the pit of your stomach, accompanied by red hot tingles rising up the back of your neck.

In my opinion, jealousy stems to an UNHEALTHY comparison. 
 
Lao Tuz says. "When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." 
 
Iyanly Vanzant takes it one step further by stating, "Comparison is an act of violence against the self." 
 
How intense is that? You're disrespecting yourself when you let jealousy consume you. You're committing an ACT OF VIOLENCE against YOURSELF. Why do we lock up violent criminals, yet we find it perfectly okay to act with reckless abandon against ourselves? What if you start thinking about it like THAT? How can that perspective change your response in those moments of jealousy?
 
IN ORDER TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH JEALOUSY, WE NEED TO FIRST ACKNOWLEDGE THE CONSEQUENCES OF JEALOUSY
1. Constantly not feeling like YOU are enough will turn into a habit of never feeling enough. It will spill over into other situations and areas of your life. In other words, constantly feeling jealous will flush your self esteem down the toilet.
 
2. When you feed into jealousy, you're making yourself "less than" another person. You're giving away your power.
 
3. You're prohibiting yourself from truly have a thriving, successful r-ship. You're doing yourself and your r-ship a HUGE disservice by operating from this dramatic place.
 
4. You're creating a NEGATIVE feedback cycle, instead of noticing the positive reinforcements to keep your relationship going strong. Think about how far kids who thrive off of negative attention go....most of our husbands were one of them. ;-)
 
5. You're tiring out your partner. Someone can only take so much drama and so many accusations before they break and walk away.
 
6. You're likely creating a "self fulfilled prophecy."
 
7. You're missing YOUR own unique qualities, gifts and SOUL by focusing on someone else's. [I know I say this all the time but really hear me and really think about it this time: There will ALWAYS be someone prettier, someone younger, smarter, more successful -- insert your biggest insecurity here -- than you. But you HAVE TO remember this:  SHE IS NOT YOU. There's a VERY heavy price to pay for comparing yourself and its neglecting your own worth.
 
HOW TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR RESPONSE TO JEALOUSY:
 
1. Focus on what you have that makes you unique. 
 
-What do you have in your relationship that makes you feel      secure and confident (revisit my scope about "Kim")? 
 
 -What is YOUR gift to the relationship? Not sure how to figure that out or get it back if you feel like you've lost your "mojo" to this mess? SPWF has a program in the works that will give you the step-by-step tools to find them (or re-find them). Hang tight, we've got you. Its coming soon.
 
2. STOP comparing yourself. Enough said.
 
3. Notice your triggers. 
   -Who makes you feel like you are "not enough?" 
   -What makes you feel like you are "not enough?"
   -How can you remove yourself from that person?
   -How can you remove yourself from that situation?
 
Here's an example that we can all relate to. I'm as certain as   the sky is blue that we have ALL done it: Is there a need to stalk your ex, your ex's ex, your current boyfriend's ex and all his baby mommas on Facebook? What are you REALLY looking for? What do you need to see? What is it about this person that makes you care? How can you use your time more valuably and productively? ***Its hard to stop and its tempting as hell. So exercise your power of the BLOCK button -- keep that person out of your site, out of your mind and OUT of your relationship -- all places where they DO NOT belong!!
 
4. Act on your heart and your intuition. Is your gut telling you something about this person? Hold on, is it REALLY your intuition? Or is it those gremlins making a mess inside your head again?
 
5. Recognize the jealousy as a GOOD THING. 
Wait! WTF, Ro? You just babbled endless about how to stop jealousy. Now you're telling us its good?? 
 
I know, I know BUT hold that thought and listen for a second.
 
-You're only jealous of people who have attained some version of your potential. What does that mean? Who and what ever you're jealous of is displaying some trait, quality or version of you that is currently untapped. Turn that person into a mentor. Turn the jealousy into a lesson. Do some soul-searching and figure out what they have that you crave. How are you going to pull that out of your own self. Here are some examples to help get you started: weight and health, self esteem and confidence, success and career.
 
6. Focus on PERSONAL growth in your relationship, not comparison growth. Start by evaluating your relationship. 
 -How has the relationship grown? 
 -In what ways did it mature throughout its duration? 
 -In what ways has it stalled? 
 -In what ways has it regressed? 
 -What steps will you take in developing a plan to acknowledge the growth?  
 -How will you continue growing together as a couple? 
 -When will  you begin to implement those steps?
 
MOVING PAST CHEATING AND JEALOUSY AROUND PAST ACTIONS:
Infidelity is NOT an easy issue to navigate in ANY relationship. Here are a few questions to help you work through any lingering emotions:
 -What is still unresolved that needs to be discussed before you truly let the infidelity go (Hint: If it still bothers you and the topic is recurring, you DID NOT fully let it go)?
-What would happen if you let it go completely and started fresh? -If you chose to fully let it go, what would you be giving up in your CURRENT situation that makes you feel comforted?
-How can you let go of the past and still have those needs of "feeling comforted" met?
-What does it look like to not be ready to let it go? 
-How can you proceed if you're not ready/willing to let it go?
-What do YOU need to be fully confident moving forward?
-How can you communicate your needs to your spouse?
-What is a plan you can develop together in order to move forward despite the infidelity?
-When will you begin taking those steps?
 
Above all, remind yourself that you are NORMAL for feeling those pangs of jealousy. Never "judge" your feelings. Instead, figure out what you'll do in response to them. YOU get to choose how you'll move forward with the knowledge of them. How empowering.
 
Stay strong.
Love strong.
Keep supporting one another through this journey.
You're one day closer to it all being over....
 
Lots of love from my heart to yours.
xo,
Ro

 

Comments

6 Comments

  • Admin JoJo Matthews
    by Admin JoJo Matthews 1 year ago
    What an awesome blog Ro. Usually I have something to say but I don't this time. All I can say is anyone that reads this I hope can find hope in it. I also hope that what's in store to help them through it will provide them with a new sense of peace and love of oneself.
  • Ro ❤ CoFounder/President
    Thank you, beautiful!!! I agree with your "hopes" and share the same ones too. xoxoxo
  • Jen
    by Jen 1 year ago
    Thank you! I love this blog :-)
  • Ro ❤ CoFounder/President
    :)
  • LovingHimUntil4ever
    by LovingHimUntil4ever 1 year ago
    Love this blog! Thanks for sharing
  • Admin Lisa
    by Admin Lisa 4 months ago
    Just read this. Love it!! So true almost let my jealousy of his ex ruin our relationship.
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