Invisible shackles

Published by: Admin JoJo Matthews on 22nd Aug 2017 | View all blogs by Admin JoJo Matthews

The countdown is on until my daughter returns to Oregon. It makes me sad to think of the loneliness I will go through again. I pray her dad lets her come for Christmas otherwise I won't see her until spring break which would be 6 months later.

The one thing I hate about her going to school versus home schooling is now my time with her is based on her school vacation schedule. Her dad also wants time with her. I try to explain to him that her time off from school is the only time I get to see her. He gets her every day. 

I just want my love home so he can hold me after her plane takes off and I can cry instead of being strong. 

I have looked in to moving to Oregon to be closer to her but they live on the coast so it's pretty expensive. If my love were home it wouldn't be an issue because we would be a two income family instead of me all by myself. 

It is so frustrating and this is one of those times I wonder if I really can walk this journey forever. It's days like this where I have no hope at all that laws can change that

he could have a chance to come home. I usually have a small sliver of hope that he will walk out those gates into my arms but today isn't one of those days. Today is a reminder of how alone I am in this free world. I would rather be in that tiny cell with him than deal with this. 

Today is an emotional roller coaster that I must ride alone and make it look like I'm ok when I'm a disaster on the inside. 

#invisibleshackles

Comments

3 Comments

  • KNB
    by KNB 3 months ago
    JoJo I'm so sorry, being a parent and trying to do what is best by our kids can sometimes be so hard. Is it worth you up and moving now while she is at school? Is she planning on settling in Oregon after school is finished or will she maybe be moving elsewhere and you may have to consider moving again? Just a thought.

    I think I can understand some of the emotion you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. So much of my world has been my partner, family and small and ever declining circle of friends. My kids are getting older and most are out in the world with their own lives which don't get me wrong is a good thing but I miss them being around all the time and it can feel there is a hole I need to fill. Some days it really can be such a struggle, to feel you have such a wonderful, supportive, positive, loving partner and relationship, one that can have you feel so happy and connected yet can also make you feel so desperately alone.

    Having said that please believe that though you/we all may feel lonely as hell sometimes you are definitely not alone. We are all right here with you and for you unfortunately not in body but in heart, spirit and thought. There is none of us that can be strong ALL of the time.
    There is always hope just some days it doesn't shine quite so brightly and we can miss it but it's there. I think we all have times that we question if we can do this and IF we can SHOULD we. I don't know that I can offer much but your not alone in feeling these things. I dont think well actually we all know it's not healthy to build walls and damn these emotions up to always appear 'strong'. We need to let ourselves feel these things to let these emotions and feelings move through/over us but not let them consume us. Feel them, understand and accept them and release them.
    Please take care and be well :))
  • Admin JoJo Matthews
    by Admin JoJo Matthews 3 months ago
    Thank you KNB, at this point it's to soon to soon to tell what my daughter wants to
    Do in the future she is only 11. It's possible she will want to move back with me at some
    Point. I've looked in to moving to Oregon but her area is super expensive as it is I struggle
    Where I am and it's not as expensive. If an opportunity arises that affords me the ability to move there then I will in a heartbeat. For
    Now I am where i am and I'm going to do the best I can.
  • KNB
    by KNB 3 months ago
    I really probably should have checked your profile to get a better idea of your probable ages before I posted. Yes I guess 11 is a little early to have an idea of anything to far into the future. Not being from the US every time I hear spring break I automatically think teenagers and college students :)
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