A Love Like No Other

Published by: Java on 27th Nov 2017 | View all blogs by Java
Not sure where to begin so I will start here. I never really posted much of mine and Finn’s personal life out here. That was just it personal between him & I. So here goes because I want everyone to know how much we complimented each other’s lives and how two people from different worlds lived a life of happiness. Don’t get me wrong he drove me nuts at times but I wouldn’t change that for the world.
I met Finn about 15 years ago and he was in prison. Yep prison. I waited for him for 11 years until he was able to come home and it was well worth the wait. He did wind up sick while in prison and at one point I almost lost him. I got the call that he was in the hospital and he was on life support and didn’t think he would make it through the night. I was there very next morning. A young nurse was there and she said keep talking to him he can hear you. I did and the first thing I whispered in his ear was, Finn Mac Cool I Love you very much and don’t you dare let them win because they would just love that. He made it through the night and by the next afternoon they were removing everything from him so he could wake up. He did too and he said you know I thought it was a dream because I heard you saying that to me and I also heard you say you need to come home to me so we can have a life together. Yes, I did say that too. He had also died twice at different times and was brought back. Obviously not his time to go. He used to tease me and say I was his punishment for everything he did in his life. I would just laugh. 
During this time, I moved out to Montana and went to school thanks to Finn actually. He told me to go that he had faith in me and he knew that I could do it. So, I did and graduated with two degrees and honors. Finn and I fit perfectly together, we were always there for each other. I told Finn the only way this would work was for him to live his life in prison and I would live my life out here. We did that too until he got sick and then I was on everyone’s ass. I also told him he didn’t have to worry about me with other men because my first marriage really sucked and he was actually lucky that I liked him. LOL! 
I had my own little thing going on with prisoners and loved every minute of it but when Finn came home that ended as he was my priority. Maybe once I am through all of this I will start again. You learn when you work with prisoners who is okay and who is not. Had someone tell me one time that he was going to make me his seventh wife. LOL! Well not only did Finn take care of that but someone else wrote me and said don’t even talk to that guy he is crazy and I just sent him a kite to back off and leave you alone. 
A lot of people out here think that they are in prison and too bad that is what they deserve. Well I am here to tell you that maybe some of them like child molesters, rapists etc. do deserve what they get. But working with them I met so many guys that were straight up the nicest guys I have ever met. I wouldn’t change any of that either in my life because you know what? Our system really does need to be changed. For all of you that remembered me and have kept in touch with me, I thank you because I do have love for each and every one of you. Anyway, Finn was really happy that I was helping some of these guys. He just hung out on the sidelines and made sure no one tried to snatch me up. LOL! Never would have happened anyway. Not only was he the most loyal and true man I have ever known but he found his good woman. Sure, he wrote other women but trust was a big thing in our relationship and I knew where he was coming home to. (smile)
By the time Finn made it home about 4 years ago, he was a mess and it was going to be a long road ahead for both of us. He was in a wheelchair, severely malnourished, legally blind and had hypertension. Oh yeah and he was doing dialysis 3 times a week. I had no ramp on the house I was in so I literally dragged Finn and his wheelchair in and out of the house to get him where he was going. He couldn’t even transfer himself so I would pick him up and get him in the car or where ever he needed to be. I didn’t care though because he was home. Oh yeah let’s not forget how they sent him home with scabies and wound up with an epidemic at the prison he was in. It was a rough road but that man fought hard. A little after 2 years he was able to use a walker and he was getting stronger. Just recently he was able to take a couple steps without the walker and started PT to try and get himself stronger. There were many times he wanted to give up saying this is crazy I am never going to walk again. I would be like really You Finn Mac Cool the Great White Shark are going to give up after how hard I worked to get you out of prison and to where you are now? Okay well guess what I’m done you don’t want to walk, then don’t walk I don’t care that’s your problem! I guess he thought about it because right after that he started using his parallel bars and working his ass off! You see Finn wound up not walking because they had him chained to a hospital bed for 10 months and he could not straighten his legs out after that. So, it took all that time, a little over 2 years to get his legs straight and start using a walker. He did it though even though it took some getting mad and yelling. I pushed him to his limits as much as I could and he would say, you know no one in prison would ever talk to me like that. My response, well bud you are not in prison anymore, this is the real world and it sucks too! He used to get in moods from his Diabetes and I would say oh no are you going into prison mode and most times he would laugh and just snap right out of it. There were other times where I had to put him in his place before he snapped out of it. To me every minute with him brought us closer together. If we had problems we always talked it out. He would not ever let me go to bed mad at him. Boy did I do venting to certain people. LOL!
Finn was definitely my rock. He was so damn smart and spoke 5 different languages. He became a paralegal while he was in prison with all of his test scores between 97 and 100, I have those papers here with me. He said he hated being a paralegal but did it so he could help others and do his legal work himself. I Loved just lying in bed and listening to stories he would tell me.
Anyway Finn was doing such much better and he would always ask do you need help with anything do you want me to set the table? Though he couldn’t do much I appreciated what he could do. He would say if it weren’t for you I would have died in prison. I said yeah well there were a few times I was ready to kick your butt out here, thinking you were going to give up.
This past Monday night we were lying in bed watching TV and he said he was tired from Dialysis and just going to sleep. That was fine he got really tired on Dialysis days. About 5:30 in the morning he woke up and woke me up and said he was nauseous and could he get one of his pills and he also said he had a headache and could he get something for that too. I gave him his pills and we went back to bed. It was about an hour later I heard a huge thud and jumped out of bed, turned the light on and yelled his name. All I saw was my German Shepherd sitting on his side of the bed looking down. I went over there and Finn was foaming at the mouth. At first, I thought he had a seizure which he has never had before. I grabbed his hand and said Finn can you hear me, squeeze my hand and he did. I said okay, I will be right back calling an ambulance. I Love you please hang in there. They did a cat scan as soon as we got to the hospital and all they said was he had a brain bleed and they needed to life flight him to Missoula. I said okay. They came back and said we can’t go to Missoula as they are fogged in so we have to try Great Falls. He was life flighted out there and my daughter and I drove out there. By the time we got there they told me that he had a massive stroke and the blood in his brain was from that. They put a tube in his brain to relieve the pressure and drain some of the blood. There was a glimmer of hope there for a minute. That night the nurse was checking his eyes and one pupil was huge and the other small. The doctor was there and he said get him down stairs right now for another cat scan. When he came back up the doctor said we normally don’t even talk like this, this soon but he is bleeding more massively even with the drain. His brain stem cells were turning black which meant his brain was dying. There was nothing more they could do for him. As he bled it would cover different parts of his brain and start shutting down each part of the body that the blood covered. The last things to go would be his breathing and his hearing. He could hear everything we were saying but couldn’t respond. He said there would be another doctor in the morning who would do some more testing and we could go from there. The doctor looked at me and said I am so sorry. 
Next morning the other doctor came and it was not good. He said he would have no quality of life even if he did survive. I said no he cannot live like that. Finn and I had talked about it many times. We knew it was coming but not like this and so quick it just wasn’t fair. It took his brain which to Finn was his most important part of his body, he would always say Knowledge is Power. Pretty much the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I told them to remove everything and let him pass with dignity. The doctor said I was making the right decision. I said I know I would only be keeping him here for my own selfish reasons which is just so he would be here with me, but he wouldn’t be. It would just be a body with no spirit and I Love him too much to do that to him. So, I looked at Finn knowing he could still hear me and told him I made you a promise that I would never let you live this way and as hard as it may be I am keeping that promise. I stayed with Finn all day, held his hand and talked to him until his last breath. He is at peace now, no more pain. He had been through so much in his life and though I know he really wasn’t ready to go it was his time. This warrior was done fighting. 
In the short time that Finn was home with me I was able to show him a life that he had never had before. He had a granddaughter that he loved so much! My husband was in prison for 28 years and I am not ashamed to tell anyone that. Surely not ashamed of him either. He really was the best man that ever came into my life and if I had to do it all over again a thousand times or for an eternity I would.
So please if you are one of those people that say oh he is in prison he gets what he deserves, that’s not true. Surely not with this one. We gave each other everything we had and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Most people on the outside have no idea what actually goes on in the prisons and only believe what they are told. Some could really care less until either them or one of their family members winds up in prison. Their entire attitude changes at that time. 
To my darling Finn I will never stop loving you. You taught me so much and you loved me like no other. You always worried about me, and stuck by me. I will miss you always but I know one day we will see each other again. For now, I know you are with Jubel Dean and he was definitely waiting at the Gates of Valhalla with open arms for you. Two very important people in my life taken in such a short time. Enjoy every minute you have with your loved ones because life really is too short. This is actually the short version of Finn & I. I could write a book and maybe one day I will. Finn was 49 years old.

Thank you to everyone that sent their respects and condolences! You know who you are!

 

Comments

9 Comments

  • TagsGirl82
    by TagsGirl82 15 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing your story.
  • Java
    by Java 14 days ago
    Thank you so much! I think writing this and sharing with everyone has helped me deal with things a bit more. Saddest day of my life was losing him and having to make the decision I made. It certainly is not easy being in a prison relationship and most people on the outside wouldn't even understand. People use to say what if he gets out and you guys don't get along. I would say well we will have to deal with it then, but that never happened. He actually wanted to get married again this coming summer. Thank you so much for reading my story.
  • Valerie
    by Valerie 14 days ago
    Wow...So sorry to hear this. Sounds like a true love story! May your grief be brief and may your memories be many.
  • twinkle
    by twinkle 14 days ago
    I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this hard time xx
  • Admin JoJo Matthews
    by Admin JoJo Matthews 14 days ago
    Sorry to hear this. I’m glad however you both had the love you did. While it may sound cliche it’s better to
    Have love and lost than to not have loved at all. He’s in your heart and one day when it’s time you will be reunited. I pray for comfort through your grief. Do him proud and live your life the best way you know how.
  • MrsK17
    by MrsK17 14 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. I have to agree with you, just because a person is in prison doesn’t mean they are bad people.
  • Java
    by Java 13 days ago
    Admin JoJo Matthews ...Thank you! He will always be in my heart. The Love we gave each other most people don't get in a lifetime. What I wrote wasn't even half of what we went through with the prison system. I am just glad that I was able to get him home and live a life he never had and that he didn't die in the prison. My life will go on but he will be with me every second of it.
  • Java
    by Java 13 days ago
    MrsK17.. Exactly! It doesn't mean they are bad people and it surely doesn't mean they should be treated like dogs. Over the years what I learned was that most of the guys in prison grew up in broken homes, drug homes, etc. that is where it all started. Not all of them but most. I looked past my husband as a number and found out what he was truly like on the inside. He was a human being who at a very young age was trying to find his place. I am so glad in the end he found it with me!
  • Admin JoJo Matthews
    by Admin JoJo Matthews 13 days ago
    Java, yes I’m glad he came home to you as well. Most proper search a lifetime for that love and never find it. Some are lucky and do find it. I’m glad you both experienced it
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